Saturday, January 30, 2010

important but difficult

Our "schoolish" life is a hip happening place to be.

ziggurats built out of boxes

pharaoh Ooky

trying our hand at cuneiform

winter surfing

and all over general silliness

But there's other stuff. Like things that are starting to happen because of my last post. Big things, but hard things. Important, but difficult.

After writing my last post, I came to the realization that I often (without realizing it) expect things from my kids that I don't expect from myself. Or assume that I am already doing, but in reality, I'm not. I could have continued on unharmed after that smack upside the head realization, but really, it flattened me for awhile. And the more I paid attention to our conversations, unspoken exchanges, etc...the more I found that I didn't like. And a good chunk of that was what I saw on the MamaTea end of things, not the Iggy-Ooky end of things.

So instead of writing in my blog and wasting countless hours on Facebook, I've been reading. And listening. And thinking. And hopefully, changing.

It's big stuff. Like me learning to say half of what I want to, which is still probably more than I should, but its a step in the right direction.

Like me, spending less time trying to be what I'm not, and focusing more on being who I am.

Like me, looking at my behavior and my intentions and picking them apart. Why do I do what I do? Why did I just say what I said? Why am I planning to do what I'm planning? Why do I make the choices I make? No, now go back and answer that honestly, MamaTea. And when I can sit with myself in real honesty, I really don't like what I find. I mean, really. The intentions behind my actions aren't always noble or pretty.

I've been really trying hard to just live in this moment. And this one. And this one. And realizing that it isn't some cliche quote at the bottom of someone's email...but finding out what each and every word means for me.

I've been sitting and being with life for real. Knowing what works our family and being ok with it. Realizing there will always be issues, and sometimes they aren't issues that need to be fixed. Does that make sense? Sometimes there just isn't a solution to the problem. Sometimes the solution is figuring out how to deal with the problem until the problem takes a break. And sometimes you just have to be ok with that.

Its an interesting place to explore, not one that I've ever been able to sit inside of and be comfortable. Its a good place, but a hard place. An important place. And I know that my sitting inside of it can help every relationship I have.

I will never understand why stuff like this isn't part of the national standards.


Stephanie said...

I've had a bit of that - mine was Trevy's emotionalism.
For a while I was like "I need to ensure that he grows up and expresses himself in a healthy way", and "how do I curb it?" when really all there is to do is empathize with him, ask him if he needs to step away (such as from the game that's driving him crazy) and offer to go for a walk with him, etc.
Now I've realized that if I don't make such a huge deal about his emotions (ie imply "Your emotions are Too Big, you can't handle them!!!") that I'm the one that needs to handle them, and walk away from them, and he is processing them and dealing with them just fine.
And he won't self-destruct if I don't teach him that feelings are more than we can bear. [rolls eyes at herself]

Jessica Monte said...

I love the pharoah hat, :-) Also, I'm all for snow surfing. I'll have to do that later today. Is it snowing where you are?

slim pickins said...

I am right there with you. I feel like this is 90% of what I do as a home/unschooling mom, and half the time i'm beating myself up for failing at teaching the things that are most important (i mean, i'm 40 and i'm still learning, how can i teach things like handling anger in a healthy way) and the other half i'm just trying and trying again and trying is in-your-face these days, probably due to the housebound nature of the past couple of weeks. reading "playful parenting" - again - and "siblings without rivalry" - again...i feel so dense so much of the time, but that doesn't get me very far either...getting off the computer just might help, but then i find a post like yours and it makes me feel not quite so alone in all this!

i also wanted to tell you that one day last week i came to your blog and heard "exactly" for the first time and i sat here and cried and then printed out the words and read them over and over to myself. thank you so much for sharing that! the timing was serendipitous.

mamak said...

Oh, the inside place? yep, my head wanders there often, but the best part is is the stuff I get to take home and try, and the stuff I lose along the way.
Anyway, You have been up to some fun things, i see. My boys are big fans of big pants! Very funny stuff!

Sherry said...

I hardly know you--uh, I mean I don't know you. (The internet is a weird thing, huh?) But anyway...I can't help but be so proud of you after reading this post. :)

Anonymous said...

I think...I think...I think I love you!!! Ok. That's a little strong. And strangely psychotic stalker sounding, eh? So, let me dial that back a bit and say...I just really happened to need this today. I mean like REALLY need this. I've even been avoiding my blog just so I didn't have do any of this kind of inner exploration. Cause i NEED some inner exploration right now. But because you've done so dang much of it, I'll probably put it off another day. Crap.