Wednesday, July 29, 2009

fitting in, part two

After all my crabbin' and ventin' about fitting in in yesterday's post, I have to tell you...there's another side to it. Once again the Fairy of Perspective visits and twists my head into thinking maybe, just maybe...there's another way to look at it.

My frustration comes because I've never felt like I fit in (like so many people who have commented here or emailed me about posts I've had on this subject). So then, I don't know if its human nature or what, but a person wants to search for a place they fit in. You think you find it, be it theater or unschooling or art or church or PTA or whatever your thing is. After awhile though, you figure out you don't absolutely fit there either. And the frustration builds, because you think you're supposed to fit. Somewhere. Absolutely. You start to think you don't belong anywhere. You're too different. No one thinks like you. No one is as insanely varied as you are. Right?

Well...after awhile, when looking at it from the tips of the trees that the Fairy of Perspective dragged you off to, you realize that whole mindset is actually feel sorry for me, I'm different, you'll never understand me. Sort of leftover teenage angst rolled up into a ball of adult-martyr-poor-me-hood.

Its not pretty. It's actually kind of whiny. And pathetic.

That darn Fairy of Perspective says, "So you like a lot of different things. So you're different and varied and undefinable. Does that mean you don't fit in anywhere? Or does that maybe mean you fit in a lot of different places."

See the difference?

It's attitude.

I have a cousin who can talk to anyone. I asked her once what her secret was. She said she figures you have something in common with everyone you meet. You just have to figure out what that one thing is, and go from there. In her world, everyone fits together.

The millions of different things I like to do or believe in or have opinions about can either be seen as a reason to not connect or a reason to connect. I can view them as a million reasons to be an outsider, or a million reasons to fit in. Once again, it's perspective.

There are no absolutes. I'm not supposed to exactly fit with any other person. You can only stare at yourself so long in the mirror.

I could put myself out there with blue hair, and the "alternative crowd" could still think I'm a poser. The cheerleaders could still hate my sarcasm. Some unschoolers could still think I'm not unschooling. Some other types of homeschoolers could still call me an unstructured hippy unschooler.

But who cares?
I mean, really. Who the F cares?
If that's what they think, their loss. I guess.

I'll keep doing what I do, and grow my group of friends who do what they do. And even if the things we do aren't the same, we respect each other's freedom to do so.

You all know who you are. Wink. Hug. Grin.

As for the rest, I'm not going to have them draw a black and white outline around me, framing in who I am as a means of figuring out where I fit in.

After all, without an outline, I fit in far more places than I ever realized.


Ruralmama said...

Heck ya girlie! Rock that Casbah!


I'd still dye the hair teal with ya, though. ;-)

MamaTea said...

Teal all the way, grrrrlie.

If I would have had more time the night the boys asked me to do their hair, I would have stuck in some sexy streaks of my own. Alas, we were on our way out the door.

What, my dear boys? Its another day for hair color?

Wicked. ;)

Stephanie said...

I'm not sure that anyone fits in "it" -what ever that may be- entirely.
I don't think we give people enough credit.
I think that if anyone fit entirely into something, that would mean there wasn't room for anything else for them to be.
A Baptist might seem to others a good and true Baptist but maybe that person feels like more (or less), like she doesn't fit it with Baptists because she so greatly admires the Dalai Lama.
Looks different on the outside from the Being on the inside.

We are all multi-dimensional, I don't think there's anyway that we can really be something to the exclusion of everything (anything) else.

We have dreams, and opinions, and thoughts, preferences, wishes, talents, and personalities.
These things contribute greatly to who and what we Are.

MamaTea said...

Stephanie - do you charge money for your words of wisdom?

Seriously. People could spend years on the therapist's couch and still not figure that one out.

You're magical...and wise.

Thanks :)

Sherry said...

Yes! :D

I really don't fit in anywhere, either. Sometimes I think that's bad; most times I think I wouldn't have it any other way. ;)

jessamyn said...

i like your fairy. ;)

the more i live, the greater i understand our connectedness...and that we are never really alone in anything, no matter how hard we may try.
be you. in doing fulfill a role that no one else could ever fill.
and know that in doing are walking a path that so many of us are taking steps on. we are in it together!

Stephanie said...

Maybe my great and vast age?

MamaTea said...

Everyone is ageless here.


mamak said...

I love you. Serious adoration. No, it's love. :>)

MamaTea said...

The feeling is mutual, MamaK. :)

topsytechie said...

Don't know 'bout any of those "real life" places, but here in the blogosphere, you don't just FIT, you BLOSSOM!!!!

Yet another terrific post!

Green Mamma said...

Well, how boring would that be anyway! (if you drew a black and white outline of yourself so every one could tell just who you were).

I like your cousin's attitude; I find myself there most of the time but I have my limits. Of late, I have found myself feeling "different" among a group of "mainstream" mommies. At a recent playgroup, they asked me whether I ate placenta because I am "all natural" and all. Um, not sure whether I would or not, but still, wtf? Placenta!?! I realized at that moment that I was being judged for being "different" and that wasn't okay.

But, again, I agree that we can find our shared qualities with every one and that somehow we can all "fit" together . . . of course, diplomacy would be much easier if we all wore our good attitude hats, don't you think?

grouchy mama said...

Thank you for your honesty. How nice to come across your blog. I find myself wasting too much time and energy worrying about what others think or perceive of me. Deep breath....relax.....just be.....