Monday, June 22, 2009

And then there was Guilt

Ooky said the other day, "I just hate my life." He's a bit spirited, perhaps explosive, and will probably teach me everything I don't know about the world.

Iggy, who always wants to come out looking shiny and sparkly, says, "Oh yeah, well I love my life. Love love love it."

I love my life, too. Which happened to be the topic of discussion with Hubster last night. Because while I really adore the life I have, I feel really really...well, guilty. Even though we're not in our own home in the town we had planned on being in (and that will come)...Life is so so good.

I have a simple life. We wake up, we explore and eat up the day, we go to bed.

Hubster said "You do more than that," and told me I shouldn't think that what I do during the day isn't considered valuable work.

But that wasn't what I meant. I didn't intend for the conversation to be a booster about all the little things I do during the day, and how much they mean. We've had that conversation a million times before. He tells me how much I do, and I tell him I'm quite thankful for the opportunity to do so (him coming from a family of siblings who all have double income households, making us the weird ones.)

What I meant is that while I'm at home with the kids catching turtles, playing bocce ball, hiking in the woods, going to art festivals, baking bread, weeding the garden, he's off dealing with the really crappy messed up part of the world. He's a deputy working the night shift. He gets called to deal with people who are kicking the crap out of each other. Busting into each other's houses. Suddenly dying. Etc., Etc., Etc. The way I see it, he gets the short end of the stick.

I'm not naive. I know People, and People will suggest to Hubster that if his Looney Whackjob Hippie Wannabe Wife would just put the kids in school and get a job, all the problems of the world will go away. Because Common Knowledge tells us that two incomes and public school means you never have financial problems, and your kids are perfect.

Hubster reminded me that the way People think isn't how he thinks, so who cares what People think.

I told him I feel guilty for the simpliticy and the fun and the peace that I get to have every day, and he's out dealing with the exact opposite.

Hubster told me I was nuts if I thought I had a peaceful life. After all, I have to deal with Screamy (meaning Ooky).

But I didn't mean Peaceful as in quiet. I meant Peaceful as in everything is right.

He said I shouldn't feel guilty for being happy.

I feel like I'm in this big shift of how I look at most everything. It started with reading lots about unschooling and blew up into this whole different way to look at life in general. I mean, really. Truly. Completely. Its the difference between skipping along on the surface...or jumping in and going all the way under and not caring if you come up for what others might consider air. Just strapping on your gills and breathing something completely different.

Hubster said he likes our simple life. Hubster said that I am his normal in a world of insanity. And that I shouldn't worry. Or feel guilty.

I'll have to work on that.


Love 2B Homeschoolers said...

"I am his normal in a world of insanity"

That is lovely. And the part you should hold on to :-)

Stephanie said...

I love this!
And I know the feelings well.

One thing to remember... you can't be sick enough to pull someone else out of an illness... and you can't be poor enough to bring someone out of poverty... and you can't be sad enough to bring someone out of sadness.
(I don't mean Hubby, but the world at large.)

So by all means, enjoy and Love. The world always needs more Love.

Kim said...

Yes yes yes! Everything you said...YES! I feel this way too, and I am in a very similar boat as you. We live with my parents so we can have this life on one income. Is it exactly what we want? No. Would we have our own home if I worked and the kids went to school, yes. But I'd never trade it, and I know in time we will have our own home...but no amount of money in the world will bring back this time in our kids lives, so we sacrifice all of the unimportant material things of this world so we can give them the kind of childhood they so deserve! And trust me, I can just hear the People thinking, "well if only she'd just put on her big girl pants and go to work like everyone else..." Maybe in 10 years...or 15 ;) In the meantime, I've gotta keep sight of those priorities!

homeschoolceo said...

Wow, is your husband a Saint? Where did you find him?!

I agree that you shouldn't feel guilty. It won't do you or your kids or your husband any good. Be thankful, yes. Be appreciative, yes. But guilt is pretty much a useless emotion.

Jennifer said...

I honestly think that no matter what life people live, if they are feeling people, they will have guilt about something. If you were the Mom that worked 40 hours per week, you'd feel just as bad about missing your kids. I think we all just have to do what works for our family. Nobody else is living our life so we just have to make our husbands and kids happy - and ourselves :o)
I'm sure there are others that are SO happy with their lives as well, but if you lived their life you'd be miserable, and vice versa. I have family members that say I'm crazy for having 4 kids and wanting more. I just say "well, it's a good thing it's me and not you then". We're all different and have different likes, dislikes, goals, etc. The only 2 people that need to think alike are the 2 that are married to each other, or are sharing a life together. :o)
You are doing a great job. You're a great Mom, chose a fabulous hubby, and have wonderful kids :o)
Keep up the great work, Mom :o)

MamaTea said...

Love2B - you're right, I'll try to focus on that part.

Steph - you're right. Being sad that my husband doesn't have the simplicity is not going to give him the simplicity. Enjoy and love should pretty much cover it. :)

Kim - Ah! Someone in the same boat! We should chat...

Homeschoolceo - yes, he's a saint. I found him at a grad party 10 years ago. :)

Jennifer - you're right, I guess as long as he and I are on the same page (which I should focus on the fact that I'm extremely lucky that we are...) it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Thanks for the good vibes, ladies.

Green Mamma said...

I felt like I was reading my mind, :-)

Sometimes I feel guilty that I get to do all the neat things I get to do with my little one and I worry that my hubby (a software engineer) gets the short end of the stick by having to sit at a desk or interact with folks he doesn't much care for (at times). But, like your hubby, mine says that our life is simple and it keeps him feeling sane in a crazy world.

I hate to say this, but sometimes, I wonder and I think wrongly so (and I am getting much better at not caring what other people think, including family and friends) that some see me as a commodity for my hubby; that I am somehow suffering by not working and using my degree. To hell with that! I use my mind and all my talents and energies exploring and learning with my little girl everyday.

Anyway, thank you for writing this post. I'll be stopping by again,:-)